Fitchy. Wentworth. Macrae.

Hi chums,
Apologies to all of you who were planning to come and say hello in July, but I have had to push the signing back a bit to Saturday the 18th of September 2010. This is for technical publishing reasons (my car has died, and lugging my tent and boxes of books up to Glencoe on a Citylink bus is a challenge even Macrae might baulk at). Then in August I have the Edinburgh Book Festival and the launch of 365 Reasons To Be Cheerful, so I’ve moved the signing into September. Which is a drier month anyway, so the buns won’t go all soggy before the sausages go in them. Hope you can make it then…

Remember, the signing will be taking place at the top of the Devil’s Staircase in Glencoe and Macrae tells me that Swedish girls will definitely be there, so come along for a spot of fun.

Hi chums, I just thought I’d let you know that I have another book coming out soon, 365 Reasons To Be Cheerful.
This is a non-fiction jolly through the year, taking in lots of fun things that are worth celebrating.
If you’re looking for something to amuse you in the bog, you could do a lot worse.
It’s being published by Portico books, some geezers in London town, and comes out in early September, though you can buy it now on Amazon. How that works, I don’t know, but it’s probably kosher.
Stand by also for news of another novel. I’ve written it, now we just need JonesCat to earn a little more money and we can get that on the go too.

Now the cover dispute really IS resolved

Well, who would have thought it? After 5 months of high level legal wrangling, the Ordnance Survey have graciously stopped objecting to the cover of my novel ‘The Hills Are Stuffed With Swedish Girls’.

Hurray! A great day for common sense, humorous literature and fat ginger cats.

I’m not exactly sure why they changed their minds now, but I’m happy they have. So let’s just draw a contour line under things and move on.

Because it means the publisher can now print a second edition of the book!

And to celebrate the launch of the new edition, I will be getting high – literally – because I will be holding a book signing at the TOP OF THE DEVIL’S STAIRCASE IN GLENCOE.

This will be UNIQUE IN THE HISTORY OF BOOK SIGNINGS and will take place on Saturday the 18th of September 2010. (NOTE – THE DATE HAS CHANGED!! Apologies to all of you who were planning to come and say hello in July, but I have had to push the signing back a bit. This is for technical reasons: my car has died, and lugging my tent and boxes of books up to Glencoe on a National Express bus is a challenge even Macrae might baulk at. Then in August I have the Edinburgh Book Festival and the launch of 365 Reasons To Be Cheerful, so I’ve moved the signing into September. Which is a drier month anyway. Hope you can make it then…)

At an altitude of 1800 feet above sea level (550m), this is the highest part of the West Highland Way where much of the story is set. (It’s at grid ref 216 576 on OS sheet 41 – please buy this map, they’re lovely people really.)

If the wind doesn’t blow every book to Norway, this promises to be a grand adventure. Macrae assures me that scantily Swedish girls will ‘absolutely completely definitely’ be there. Jonesy himself may also be in attendance, depending on his business commitments. Sausages will certainly be served.

So if you fancy picking up a copy of the new, OS-friendly edition of the novel, or even just having a wee walk and saying hello, do come on up!

I’d love to see you…

Big thanks to everyone who sponsored me for the half marathon yesterday. Jonesy only made it as far as Holyrood park when he got distracted by a mice cream van, but I managed to over-rule my screaming legs and get round in 1 hr 37.
You are wonderful, generous people, and the kids at Fairbridge love you.
Cheers!
R

I’m running the Edinburgh half marathon on Sunday 23rd May in aid of Fairbridge. They’re a very inspiring local charity that takes young people who have dropped off society’s map a bit and help them find some self-esteem back by doing interesting things like crewing a tall ship. A creative and caring solution to a very real problem.
The bad news is that I put Jonesy in charge of my training regime.
As you can see, things could be going better. If you can find it in your heart (or pockets) to sponsor me a little, I’d be hugely grateful.
Thanks so much!
R

You may be aware that the Ordnance Survey objected to the cover of our humorous novel, claiming it infringed the copyright of a 20-year-old map design which is no longer sold. While we believe that legally they are wrong and morally they are misguided, the bad news is that we cannot afford to contest this case any further.

The Ordnance Survey is a government agency and so has extensive resources with which it can pay an in-house legal team to do this sort of thing full time. JonesCat Publishing Ltd is 2 people and a fat ginger cat. Our only income is the profit of book sales, and, unfortunately, we were forced to spend all of this on our initial legal advice.

We offered the OS a creative compromise which would have increased sales of their maps, but they declined and are insisting on a full cover redesign, and the very bad news is that we can’t afford to do that either.

So, the first edition of this book will be the only one.

That’s right. We’re going out of business. No more laughs with Macrae & co, no more jaunts in the hills, no more amusing books from JonesCat.

Congratulations to all the OS lawyers: you win. Well done.

Limited availability
There are still a few boxes of the book left, and the OS has graciously allowed us to sell these without taking us to court. So if you want a copy get your order in. You’d better be quick, though, they’re vanishing like the early morning mist on the loch.

A note to the trade
The book has sold very well for an unheralded debut novel, has received excellent reviews and has a loyal fanbase. If there are any larger publishers interested in working with us on a second edition, please email david@jonescat.com

A note to our readers
Thanks for spending your hard-sweated cash on our book. We’re very glad that so many of you enjoyed it; thanks for all your kind comments.

Thank you, too, for sticking by us during ‘Swedishgate’. We tried, but it was not to be. And don’t you worry, we may be gone, but those Swedish girls are out there, I know it for sure. Perhaps we will all meet one day on those bonnie, bonnie banks, the sun on the loch, a beer in our hands and not a care in our happy hearts. Till then, farewell, my friends.

Should any of you wish to congratulate the Ordnance Survey’s team, you can reach them at: customerservices@ordnancesurvey.co.uk

Obviously, it would also be best if you refrained from reproducing the cover of the book on your own blogs and other media – you don’t want to get into trouble.

*lights go out*

Miaow…

Miaow…

Miaow…

Right, it’s getting serious now. Time to stop mucking about. If I’m going to change the Ordnance Survey’s mind about banning ‘The Hills Are Stuffed With Swedish Girls’ I need to come up with a solid legal argument.

Or better still, how about a CAMPAIGN POSTER!

There's no purring in prison...

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Now that’s what I call top quality reporting!

I’ve never seen Jonesy so upset.

He has peed on the television three times since I received the letter from Ordnance Survey’s lawyers.

They are claiming that the cover of ‘The Hills Are Stuffed With Swedish Girls‘ infringes on the copyright of their maps. They want us to stop selling it and remove all photos and advertising from the web.

Banning it, effectively.

The Ordnance Survey is a government agency. Its ultimate authority is the Home Secretary, Alan Johnson.

We say that the cover is clearly a parody. The book’s title, the words ‘fanny’, ‘beer’ and the big picture of a pert girl’s bottom in hotpants make that clear.

Bit of a sense of humour failure here, I feel. The really unfunny thing is that they are a public agency. If it hadn’t been for taxpayers, the Ordnance Survey wouldn’t exist.

It’s not just Jonesy who’s peeved. The boys are also upset. They tell me they are writing their own responses which they will post here shortly.

the book they're trying to ban

AN UNEXPECTED PLEASURE

An ode by Tom Fitch

At work today I went for a pee

But only a cubicle was free

So I sat down, without a thought

And was surprised, and not for nought

For suddenly, a poo came out

It was a beauty, there is no doubt

I enjoyed it a moment, at my leisure

Then sped it hence, flushed with pleasure.

And as I hoist my trousers high

I stopped a mo and wondered why

A big and unexpected poo

Should remind me so much of you

Perhaps, because, it made me feel at ease

It was direct; it did not tease

It touched my life, calmed me down

Like you last night, it was dressed in brown.

But then I knew I’d been a fool

I could not compare you to a stool

My eye that your perfect beauty saw

Glimpsed too the blessed jobby’s flaw

There was something about it you’ve never had

The fact of which I’m rather glad

For precious though I found this gift

I have to say, my love, it whiffed.